And now i’m back! And far too tired to type, so i’ll fill you in on the fun and enormous frolics tomorrow, on a well-deserved day off…

right, that’s it. Unfeasible amounts of clothing stuffed in a bag, astonishing amounts of stuff probably left behind, potential soaking taken account of – I’m off to Alton Towers for the weekend!

“A woman in Athens, Greece went to the doctor complaining of headaches. Upon examination, the doctor discovered a SPIDER LIVING IN HER EAR“. Good night, pleasant dreams.

I can tell life’s getting too much for me. Today I decided to go and get some earphones, so off I went. I got into my gleaming new car, put the keys in the ignition, selected reverse gear, and adopted the position of a reversing car driver – arm over seat, head facing backwards, other arm on steering wheel, waiting for the car to saunter backwards. I wait a full 5 seconds before it dawned on me: I’d forgotten to ACTUALLY START THE CAR…
Hence the new “clever” quote on the bottom of my emails. What quote? Well, send me one first, it’s only polite…

A distinct lack of anything to say, on a rainy, damp weekend, so I thought you could all look at this flash animation of driving skills – very chucklesome!

Best excuse for a World Cup-induced day off work so far in the office (and it’s only 8am…): “I fell over while cycling home drunk last night and gashed my knee. I’m afraid I can’t possibly come in.” I sensed the last sentence was a little sarcastic.

Oh the joys of just going about your daily business. A friend at work was discussing, as you do, how her local Tescos are always changing the “female hygiene” aisle. She beckoned an assistant the other day, asked where the hell the tampon section was, to which the assistant replied, pointing over to the corner of the supermarket, “Well, just for effect, it’s now subtly positioned between the two meat sections…”

The Queen’s Golden Jubilee in the UK – did anyone see it? If you were in the UK, it’s likely you would have seen at least some of the amazing celebrations of the Royal Family – four days of partying, including a huge pop/rock concert with loads of famous names, a classical concert, pomp and pagentry in a 4 ton gold chariot and a huge carnival drew 14 million TV viewers a night, and millions more went to see the royal knees-up, knocking the royal critics for six. Even Ozzy Osbourne sang a number, bless him. The final royal flypast rounded off the most amazing scenes I’ve ever seen.
Ooooh, I LOVE England…

Amorous dolphin targeting swimmers – Watch out, Flipper’s about…

Oooh, the meal i cooked today. I knocked up some thai chicken, spicy sauce, and thai ‘fragrant’ rice for lunch today – which is no considerable feat, I can tell you. All those microwave buttons… As I took it out of the microwave, the smell filled the room – my mouth started watering. The steam rose, the succulent chicken was begging to be eaten, the table was set, everything was perfect.
And then I dropped the plate.