June 2007 Archives - wibbler.com

I’ve packed flippers

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FlippersMy job, as close friends know, involves a rather large amount of travelling. I clock up over 20,000 miles a year in my poor car, and that’s not including the very regular flights to Scotland, Germany, Switzerland and Ireland. Many of my colleagues do double that. It’s great at my age to be able to see the sights and explore the places I go to – the only downfall is that it’s usually on my own, which makes social events kinda out of the question.

By the end of this week, I’ll have taken in Swindon, Camberley, Southampton, Northampton and Skipton in five days. Last night, the news of torrential rain and floods greeted my evening meal, and the locations – Leeds, Rotherham, Sheffield, most of the Midlands – were unfortunate. They were all the locations I’d be travelling through on my next trip to Skipton in Yorkshire. Visions of my car floating down the M1 filled my mind, and as I set off for the trip I prepared myself for a long and arduous journey. Friends and a fiancée phoned and wished me luck. I headed unto the breach.

As it happened, despite the increasing images of rivers of water and mounting water-based deaths I barely saw any floods. There were a couple of fields looking a little damp, but it seems that if you’re on a normal motorway journey you’re as safe as houses. However, I can hear the patter of rain on my hotel window – who knows what tomorrow will bring?

We will never drink again.

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I’m very lucky to have several great friends. I’m also lucky that as least some of them are close enough to go drinking with. Last weekend, Nick and I went out into Guildford, put the world to rights over a few pints of beer – and then ruined our bodies and our memories in Harpers nightclub, drinking for England and dancing for Britain. We were so drunk, in fact, that we got a taxi the 25 miles back to his house in New Haw and then remembered that Nick had left his house keys back in Guildford. That was an expensive taxi ride, let me assure you.
And then, last night, Jac and I painted the town a slightly mauve colour. Again, I have declared I an never drinking again – at least until next time. Our bodies are wrecks, our heads are pounding. On the upside, we met a very nice guy in a hat – who turned out to be Galileo from the hit West End musical We Will Rock You, out on the town with his minder and tearing up the dancefloor. However, that’s one of very few memories. Jac has just summed it up nicely in an email to me, titled “Never Again”:
“Dear Simon,” it begins.

“Just a quick note to let you know that I am never EVER going on a night out with you again. Not only do I have barely any recollection of being in Harpers at all and absolutely no idea of how we got home, but I have felt decidedly awful for the entire day. It was all I could do to not vomit on the platform at Guildford station and the smell of Burger King fries on my half eight tube journey made me so close to vomiting that a fellow passenger asked if I was feeling ok.
To make matters worse, I appear to have given my phone number to a stalker. Assuming it is a she, she is probably an ugly stalker too. I have had eleven text messages and two calls this afternoon. I didn’t answer the calls and only replied to the first couple of texts. No doubt I am going to have to get Orange to block her number. Just great.
Next time we are going to sit in my flat in Putney with cups of herbal tea and discuss carbon footprints, the wispiness of Boris Johnson’s hair and the LBW rule.


A Thriller of a time with Dirty Wedding Dancing

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So, having announced the engagement, it’s probably about time that the wedding was organised. The reception is looking like the most tricky thing to work out, but if we’re stuck for music to jive and jig to, we could do worse than follow the lead of the folks below:

Comment Leaderboard is back…

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Way back in the day, when wibbler.com was an eager little stripling, I made a comment leaderboard to show who was commenting the most. Some of you took to it with aplomb, and so it’s back in all it’s glory, on the right hand side there. Get to the top of the leaderboard, and get a gold star…

Raunchy Revelations

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A horrifying piece of news flashed across my bow the other week. Searching for “keycracker” on the internet – no, best not to ask why – I stumbled on a site with some rather raunchy adverts for flesh-ridden videos. And as I looked closer – well, it would be rude not to – my heart quickened. I thought I’d actually recognised one of the scantily-clad women staring back at me. Surely not?
I casually mentioned this to my friend Adam a couple of weeks ago – and after he purchased the advertised video “for research”, he can confirm that the adult actress Rio is actually an old college friend called Tallulah, who I always remember as being good-looking and knowing it. She went to a convent school, which figures. There was never a skirt short enough for her, and frankly we didn’t mind too much.
Adam has offered to send me the video, but I’ve politely declined, on account that such a freaky experience might make me a little ill.
Still, the news will certainly prove a nice icebreaker down the pub…

Mum’s 25 again…

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Happy Birthday to my favourite mum (out of all the mum’s I’ve had),  who notches up another year today. Her customary last-minute decision-making means that I’m not seeing her until tomorrow, which gives me more time to buy copious presents…