"Nailing Blair is like pinning jelly to a wall."
Boris Johnson, 2003
"Whiter than white!", he said.
"No more unkept promises!", he trilled.
"We have 24 hours to save the NHS!" he sagely informed us.
While his Cheshire Cat grin tamed the cameras, Tony Blair's rhetoric promised a new dawn, a fresh start, a New start. The unstoppable bandwagon was rolling into town - free everything for everyone, and to hell with the expense!
It was, of course, utter tosh. Time and again since that dark, misguided day in 1997, Tony Blair has risen like a Phoenix from the Ashes as magical media smokescreens bound up to defend their master. Everything Labour touches seems to have calamitous consequences.
They now import nurses from abroad and have more managers than frontline workers, while the service just gets more and more stretched.
Despite constant media manipulation, the great majority of the country are against it, and the UK Independence Party is gaining ground daily.
One in three 11 year olds leave school unable to read, write and count properly and more than 33,000 students leave school every year without a single GCSE.
People in Britain now spend longer commuting to work than anyone else in Europe - railway performance has got worse every year since Labour came to power and despite promising to reduce congestion on our roads by 2002, motorway congestion has increased by 250 % in the last four years.
They've gone up 66 times under Labour, despite Tony Blair's pledge that he had 'no plans to increase tax at all'.
Of course, Tony has his excuses. For the first few years, he blamed the last Conservative government. It's only fair, he said; give me time to sort the mess out.
We gave him time. We gave him a lot of time.
And then? Fog the enemy. Change the focus. Reannounce something fantastic, in the hope that the nasty things will go away. However he conveys the smokescreens, he does it with the skill and sleight of hand of a travelling magician. Losing votes? Change to a calamitously introduced postal voting system which turns out to be easily manipulated, possibly fraudulent and designed to lift your supporters votes. People getting weary about war? Roll some tanks in to Heathrow, that'll scare them.
This isn't some great big game, Tony. This isn't some board game where mistakes can be erased and you can start again if the going gets tough. These great injustices affect real people, real careers and real lives.
Mr Blair - your time is near. We asked you to stop lying. Now you've become your party's greatest liability. Somebody needs to pull your shorts down and show the electorate what little balls you really have.
Consider that jelly offically pinned. And this time we'll make it stick.
© wibbler.com 2004